I just finished watching "Gandhi" for the first time finally. Utterly moved by a few discoveries of my own mind, I am compelled to comment on them here.
I have suffered a lifetime of unbearable hatred, rage and anger. I always thought it to be a natural reaction to the atrocities I was privy to growing up. I no longer believe that to be true. I was once filled with joy, love and compassion. But I am convinced, as I found there to be a lack of understanding and compassion to match my own in the world around me, aversion grew into a self made state of delusion and insanity. My brain could not bare witness to such apathy, and still hold on to unconditional love at such a young age. I grew angry. As anger grew and the only influence I had was war and violence, not only on the television but in my own home, till eventually I would pick up the only tools that were left by an ignorant upbringing.
Here I think it is important to make a side note. This may also be the point where I lose a lot of my friends faith, for I too often speak disdainfully about the world outside. So I will try to reach more for truth than for my own opinion. At some point in history, western culture decided to do away with "religion" in trade for "personal", "academic", "status", and "philosophical" gain. All of these things important to the evolution of humankind, but I think they get away from core human teachings, in which "religion" has more of a tendency to focus on, such as compassion, loving-kindness, generosity, forgiveness, love. So it is here, in this non-spiritually guided stasis in which I made my start, as we all do. (I also want to note the importance in peoples right to not-believe as well. I do not wish to denote the spiritual quest superior, in which my writings may sometimes tend to give off. For everybody, truth is reality, and that I hold no opinion on the way people live their lives, nor do I hold any of these other pursuits to a "lower" regard then the spiritual one. I can only speak from my experience so I must now apologize for the narrowness of it)
So coupled with no background in truth or love, I took out into the world with only the tools afforded me by my own upbringing. Unbeknown to me, the empathy inside my heart grew, while the mind worked diligently to mask it with judgment and hatred. I learned how to separate myself from the rest of humanity, using class, belief structure, even place of birth as weapons to cut down my fellow man, may it be in my mind or even physically. I ignored the point I was so privileged to hear the Dalai Lama speak of; the fact that we are all made up of the same parts, bones, skin, blood, organs, and that we all seek to escape suffering and be happy. Once I heard that, I believe I had found the cure to my spiritual isolation, which at the time had become debillitating. I started using that. When ever someone would get on the train and I found myself judging my fellow man, I would remind myself that we are all one in the same, and that, race, creed, culture, religion, political beliefs, likes, dislikes; all these things we are taught to believe makes us who we are; are all secondary and do nothing but promote hatred, seperation and ignorance.
Please understand that this is still a struggle for me, I am no saint. But I do believe I am slowly replacing the obsolete tools I used in my earlier days and started picking up the tools that will create love inside my own heart. Only then would I ever hope to be of any use on this planet. We as humans, or even Earthlings, if you will, need to come together. I know it is cliche but we need to come together to cure ourselves of our "differences" and promote unity, compassion and brotherhood. The training starts inside. Create a refuge of mindfulness. Allow yourself to discover what I believe to be true; hatred, rage and anger, is not a natural human response. They are only old tools used to cover up the heartbreak of yesteryear. No matter from what plane of hell you have experienced or even caused in your own life, love lies deep behind all that hatred and if we just allow ourselves to be vulnerable to it, the healing momentum of the human heart will create miracles, inside and out.
From the words of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive."
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Fierce Grace
Just got finished watching Fierce Grace and I now have a completely different perspective on the "hippie generation" that I have held in so much disdain for so long. These cats were seekers. Forever seeking the truth, fearlessly, where ever it my lie. Just as I believe I had, even a little bit in those years I spent diluting myself. I have always had this view of "hippies" as drug induced, go-nowhere, passive cowards. And maybe most of them were (I can still hang on to that right?), but they took their cues from men who were nothing of the sort, but aggressive men and women of concentrated bravery, searching the truth out, where ever it took them.
Ram Dass just have might been the trailblazer in this field of discovery. Closely followed by those who were to become teachers, mentors, friends, gurus, companions to the malcontent few that I consider myself to be a part of now. Our little group of branded spiritually guided misfits and outcasts. How much courage does it take to stand up to the world and say, "Your world of free love, drugs and endulgence is great. But we are headed in the opposite direction than we originally had set our intentions to go. I helped get us sidetracked and I am sorry."?
Thanks to Ram Dass and the people I will list, such a fearless leap into the fires of self-discovery and the embracing of the painful truth, continues with at least one person. Now to those whom I owe an apology and a debt of gratitude: (again) Ram Dass, Huston Smith, Jack Kornfield, Joseph Goldstien, Ajahn Amaro, Ajahn Sumedho, Stephen Levine, Krishna Das and I had a list of alot more which I am too tired to think of right now. I have spit upon your efforts to bring a level of awareness to a Babylonic place where it would never have come, in which I was finally, after 29 years able to find hope and solace. I set the intention of approaching world, leaving aside my unsolicited and ignorant opinions, with a heart of compassion and wisdom. And I need the help of you, who is reading this.
Take a look at the teachers in your life, some of them you may not even know are teaching you. Take from them their fortuidous and prevailing heart, and just allow yourself to open what may be closed. Stay vulnerable and exposed and you will be fed more than you can take. Give what you can't keep and then give just a little bit more. Find what you lack and then give it someone who needs it more than you. I think I may be on to something here. Not new information, a light has just been turned on where before it was dark.
TOGETHER
Ram Dass just have might been the trailblazer in this field of discovery. Closely followed by those who were to become teachers, mentors, friends, gurus, companions to the malcontent few that I consider myself to be a part of now. Our little group of branded spiritually guided misfits and outcasts. How much courage does it take to stand up to the world and say, "Your world of free love, drugs and endulgence is great. But we are headed in the opposite direction than we originally had set our intentions to go. I helped get us sidetracked and I am sorry."?
Thanks to Ram Dass and the people I will list, such a fearless leap into the fires of self-discovery and the embracing of the painful truth, continues with at least one person. Now to those whom I owe an apology and a debt of gratitude: (again) Ram Dass, Huston Smith, Jack Kornfield, Joseph Goldstien, Ajahn Amaro, Ajahn Sumedho, Stephen Levine, Krishna Das and I had a list of alot more which I am too tired to think of right now. I have spit upon your efforts to bring a level of awareness to a Babylonic place where it would never have come, in which I was finally, after 29 years able to find hope and solace. I set the intention of approaching world, leaving aside my unsolicited and ignorant opinions, with a heart of compassion and wisdom. And I need the help of you, who is reading this.
Take a look at the teachers in your life, some of them you may not even know are teaching you. Take from them their fortuidous and prevailing heart, and just allow yourself to open what may be closed. Stay vulnerable and exposed and you will be fed more than you can take. Give what you can't keep and then give just a little bit more. Find what you lack and then give it someone who needs it more than you. I think I may be on to something here. Not new information, a light has just been turned on where before it was dark.
TOGETHER
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A Beggars Fortune
I started this blog, not to comment on current events, for I find that nothing "current" is "eventful" or worth me paying homage to through type, but yet to share of myself; to bleed, so to speak. I was sitting on the train tonight, worrying about finances, employment, and a laundry list of other pities. Meanwhile, trying to stay in the present moment, I was reading a talk given by Pema Chodron, in the latest issue of Shambala Sun. She went on to explain, how we all are riddled with complications, graspings and delusions of some sort. We spend a lot of time looking at the things that makes us individule, instead of the harder road, looking for things that tie us together as one. But at some point, something tragic happens, 9-11 was sited, when we come together out of pure compassion for other peoples pain, due to having so much of our own, and our hidden human condition of interrelation and interdependence.
This is why I have taken up on this path which I am on now. Now this "path" can mean a variety of different things, depending on what context in which it is used and in what company. So I will try to blur these lines of difference and division.
When I talk to fellow 12-Step members, the "path" might mean sobriety and sometimes even the altruistic aide given to active or suffering alcoholics, which makes up a key component in the 12-Step process and my own sobriety for that matter. If I speak "path" in the company of my "sangha" (loosely translated as "spiritual fellowship" or even more strictly "monastic order", but in my case the group of people I keep in close contact with, may it be through weekly meditation groups or other practitioners I talk to regularly, about either my practice or Buddhist teachings), it means a practice of mindfulness and trying to follow the Buddha's teachings and example. Now, when I say "path" in regard to the punk rock community I talk of something completely different, and yet was the primer for the two other previous examples. What I speak of here, is the "path" of rebellion and questioning. Here I believe we fall more into the emphasis of this blog.
From as early as I can remember, "something" was wrong. Of course, at such a young age, I wasn't quite able to put my finger on it, but I inherantly knew something was wrong. My father was angry, my mother was sad, people were afraid and I was confused. I saw the world as a great open space with millions of amazing experiences to be had. If you just open your eyes and reached out your hand, I was sure you could touch the stars. And yet I saw so much turmoil all around me. Outer turmoil was the manifestation of inner turmoil, this I mystically knew somehow. Why was everyone suffering so much, when there is so much joy to be shared?
Then that turmoil affected me. I learned fear, doubt and insecurity. Uncomfortable and down right painful, little did I know, I would be affected by them for the rest of this incarnation. So I struck out to test that.
I decided that I was going to grab on to everything that wasn't nailed down, and really milk this world for all the fun and happiness it was worth, regardless of what stood in my way. It was around the same time, that I learned about rules and codes of conduct. What may mean fun and happiness for me may mean discomfort, loss or threat to others. It was pointed out to me that my actions were sometimes responsible for the turmoil, in others, I had first experienced so many years prior. I don't want to be the thorn in anyones side, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be the thorn in mine. Being "good" was all fine and dandy, but it led to a rather meak and sometimes "ignorant" existence. If I am not supposed to cross that line, how am I to experience what lies on the other side? So my pursuits became more secretive and situational. I had to see what there was to see in this world, ... while no one was looking.
Through this I got into some discourageable behaviors at a young age, ranging from pornography, smoking, stealing, vandalism, drinking, lying. While these new experiences were exciting, they also led to feelings of fear, shame, guilt, and eventually paranoia. I was afraid someone was going to see me doing something, unsure if my behavior was allowed or not, for reprimand only came after being caught for something that I was supposed to know was "wrong".
Fast forward a little, I was now a drug addicted teenager, homeless, wanted for parole violation, and yet I was in love with life once again. I saw an open road ahead of me and open doors on all sides and as long as I kept going I was going to experience everything there was to experience. I was in love with sex, drugs and punk rock.
Punk rock, the soundtrack that fueled my animalistic need to live, not knowing I was also trying to escape the pain of the life I was leading. Operation Ivy said'...as one stand together, Unity, evolutions gonna come". The only people who were willing to unite with me, on any level, were, as coined by GG Allin, "Freaks, Faggots, Junkies and Drunks", so with my new roster of allies, I could go forth with my head held high. I cared nothing for your rules. You wanted me to stop living every moment as if it were to last, and to go "home" where it was pain, suffering and turmoil. The best thing of all, I was no longer afraid. I no longer feared your guilt. I no longer fell for the delusion of "right" and "wrong".
I saw a world, outside of my own, that consisted of war, poverty, blind obedience to laws I don't understand, a thirst for money stronger than a dying mans last wish, a general disregard for the "different", "needy", "challenged" individuals, who, when I looked, only wanted a friend; someone who cares. I saw a market of MTV and Calvin Klien rendering people helpless to their never ending demand for fashion and trend, knowing the only reason the general public fell victim to such atrocities was to see themselves as pretty as the mdels they manufactured for just that pupose; to somehow validate their entire existence.
What really bothered me was an open disdain for spirituality, religion, philosophy and culture. The hippies of the 60's opened the doors, to question the values of the 50's, but the 70's started condemning them. Paired with the conflicts popping up all over Europe, Asia and South America, other cultures were shown the door for the rising of American superiority. This was beamed into my eyes, like a neon sign in a dark alley, on a daily basis, and I wanted to see no more. So I set out to create my own world and my own culture.
I did so, leading me through a life of drug addiction, jails, homelessness, frieght trains, living under bridges, failed marriage, halfway houses, forgotten names, disposed chances, broken hearts and a chip on my shoulder. 3 years ago, I decided I have had enough and I got sober. Went through a halfway house for what is hopefully the last time. I started dilligently working the 12 Steps and long story short I am at the beginning of a spiritual path, leading eventually to some sort of awakening. Today I look forward to do for others. I find myself, having experienced all that I have, capable of looking for the unseen unifying force that ties all living things together. Some call it the Dharma, some the Tao, some the Holy Spirit. I felt what it's like to be human and what it is like to give into, what I believe to be, innate human condition of compassion, empathy, loving-kindness and a real desire to share of this existence with as many people as I can mentally handle. My rebellion is the same as it has always been and sometimes I feel if I were given another chance, I wouldn't change anything. With my experiences, nevermind how painful and at often times almost unbareable, I find that I am a warmer, kinder, more sympathetic human being. Granted I still have a tendency to slide into that drunken, junkie street thug role, I am still a human vulnerable to the same human condition as the rest, but today, I have a reason to care.
I am a different man than I was 10, 5, 3 years ago, even 3 months ago. My capabliltiy for empathy grows as my tendency towards apathy diminishes. I see the impermanence the Buddha taught about, as proven fact, just in my own mental process. We are forever changing and forever suffering. ALL OF US. So what do we do?
Share not our past joys and triumphs, but share of our past failures, humiliations, trials and pains. Somehow, then, most times, a human bond can be built, and two heal better than one. Share of yourself; bleed so to speak. Your pain is your fortune, give generously.
This is why I have taken up on this path which I am on now. Now this "path" can mean a variety of different things, depending on what context in which it is used and in what company. So I will try to blur these lines of difference and division.
When I talk to fellow 12-Step members, the "path" might mean sobriety and sometimes even the altruistic aide given to active or suffering alcoholics, which makes up a key component in the 12-Step process and my own sobriety for that matter. If I speak "path" in the company of my "sangha" (loosely translated as "spiritual fellowship" or even more strictly "monastic order", but in my case the group of people I keep in close contact with, may it be through weekly meditation groups or other practitioners I talk to regularly, about either my practice or Buddhist teachings), it means a practice of mindfulness and trying to follow the Buddha's teachings and example. Now, when I say "path" in regard to the punk rock community I talk of something completely different, and yet was the primer for the two other previous examples. What I speak of here, is the "path" of rebellion and questioning. Here I believe we fall more into the emphasis of this blog.
From as early as I can remember, "something" was wrong. Of course, at such a young age, I wasn't quite able to put my finger on it, but I inherantly knew something was wrong. My father was angry, my mother was sad, people were afraid and I was confused. I saw the world as a great open space with millions of amazing experiences to be had. If you just open your eyes and reached out your hand, I was sure you could touch the stars. And yet I saw so much turmoil all around me. Outer turmoil was the manifestation of inner turmoil, this I mystically knew somehow. Why was everyone suffering so much, when there is so much joy to be shared?
Then that turmoil affected me. I learned fear, doubt and insecurity. Uncomfortable and down right painful, little did I know, I would be affected by them for the rest of this incarnation. So I struck out to test that.
I decided that I was going to grab on to everything that wasn't nailed down, and really milk this world for all the fun and happiness it was worth, regardless of what stood in my way. It was around the same time, that I learned about rules and codes of conduct. What may mean fun and happiness for me may mean discomfort, loss or threat to others. It was pointed out to me that my actions were sometimes responsible for the turmoil, in others, I had first experienced so many years prior. I don't want to be the thorn in anyones side, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be the thorn in mine. Being "good" was all fine and dandy, but it led to a rather meak and sometimes "ignorant" existence. If I am not supposed to cross that line, how am I to experience what lies on the other side? So my pursuits became more secretive and situational. I had to see what there was to see in this world, ... while no one was looking.
Through this I got into some discourageable behaviors at a young age, ranging from pornography, smoking, stealing, vandalism, drinking, lying. While these new experiences were exciting, they also led to feelings of fear, shame, guilt, and eventually paranoia. I was afraid someone was going to see me doing something, unsure if my behavior was allowed or not, for reprimand only came after being caught for something that I was supposed to know was "wrong".
Fast forward a little, I was now a drug addicted teenager, homeless, wanted for parole violation, and yet I was in love with life once again. I saw an open road ahead of me and open doors on all sides and as long as I kept going I was going to experience everything there was to experience. I was in love with sex, drugs and punk rock.
Punk rock, the soundtrack that fueled my animalistic need to live, not knowing I was also trying to escape the pain of the life I was leading. Operation Ivy said'...as one stand together, Unity, evolutions gonna come". The only people who were willing to unite with me, on any level, were, as coined by GG Allin, "Freaks, Faggots, Junkies and Drunks", so with my new roster of allies, I could go forth with my head held high. I cared nothing for your rules. You wanted me to stop living every moment as if it were to last, and to go "home" where it was pain, suffering and turmoil. The best thing of all, I was no longer afraid. I no longer feared your guilt. I no longer fell for the delusion of "right" and "wrong".
I saw a world, outside of my own, that consisted of war, poverty, blind obedience to laws I don't understand, a thirst for money stronger than a dying mans last wish, a general disregard for the "different", "needy", "challenged" individuals, who, when I looked, only wanted a friend; someone who cares. I saw a market of MTV and Calvin Klien rendering people helpless to their never ending demand for fashion and trend, knowing the only reason the general public fell victim to such atrocities was to see themselves as pretty as the mdels they manufactured for just that pupose; to somehow validate their entire existence.
What really bothered me was an open disdain for spirituality, religion, philosophy and culture. The hippies of the 60's opened the doors, to question the values of the 50's, but the 70's started condemning them. Paired with the conflicts popping up all over Europe, Asia and South America, other cultures were shown the door for the rising of American superiority. This was beamed into my eyes, like a neon sign in a dark alley, on a daily basis, and I wanted to see no more. So I set out to create my own world and my own culture.
I did so, leading me through a life of drug addiction, jails, homelessness, frieght trains, living under bridges, failed marriage, halfway houses, forgotten names, disposed chances, broken hearts and a chip on my shoulder. 3 years ago, I decided I have had enough and I got sober. Went through a halfway house for what is hopefully the last time. I started dilligently working the 12 Steps and long story short I am at the beginning of a spiritual path, leading eventually to some sort of awakening. Today I look forward to do for others. I find myself, having experienced all that I have, capable of looking for the unseen unifying force that ties all living things together. Some call it the Dharma, some the Tao, some the Holy Spirit. I felt what it's like to be human and what it is like to give into, what I believe to be, innate human condition of compassion, empathy, loving-kindness and a real desire to share of this existence with as many people as I can mentally handle. My rebellion is the same as it has always been and sometimes I feel if I were given another chance, I wouldn't change anything. With my experiences, nevermind how painful and at often times almost unbareable, I find that I am a warmer, kinder, more sympathetic human being. Granted I still have a tendency to slide into that drunken, junkie street thug role, I am still a human vulnerable to the same human condition as the rest, but today, I have a reason to care.
I am a different man than I was 10, 5, 3 years ago, even 3 months ago. My capabliltiy for empathy grows as my tendency towards apathy diminishes. I see the impermanence the Buddha taught about, as proven fact, just in my own mental process. We are forever changing and forever suffering. ALL OF US. So what do we do?
Share not our past joys and triumphs, but share of our past failures, humiliations, trials and pains. Somehow, then, most times, a human bond can be built, and two heal better than one. Share of yourself; bleed so to speak. Your pain is your fortune, give generously.
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