A Beggars Fortune

I started this blog, not to comment on current events, for I find that nothing "current" is "eventful" or worth me paying homage to through type, but yet to share of myself; to bleed, so to speak. I was sitting on the train tonight, worrying about finances, employment, and a laundry list of other pities. Meanwhile, trying to stay in the present moment, I was reading a talk given by Pema Chodron, in the latest issue of Shambala Sun. She went on to explain, how we all are riddled with complications, graspings and delusions of some sort. We spend a lot of time looking at the things that makes us individule, instead of the harder road, looking for things that tie us together as one. But at some point, something tragic happens, 9-11 was sited, when we come together out of pure compassion for other peoples pain, due to having so much of our own, and our hidden human condition of interrelation and interdependence.
This is why I have taken up on this path which I am on now. Now this "path" can mean a variety of different things, depending on what context in which it is used and in what company. So I will try to blur these lines of difference and division.
When I talk to fellow 12-Step members, the "path" might mean sobriety and sometimes even the altruistic aide given to active or suffering alcoholics, which makes up a key component in the 12-Step process and my own sobriety for that matter. If I speak "path" in the company of my "sangha" (loosely translated as "spiritual fellowship" or even more strictly "monastic order", but in my case the group of people I keep in close contact with, may it be through weekly meditation groups or other practitioners I talk to regularly, about either my practice or Buddhist teachings), it means a practice of mindfulness and trying to follow the Buddha's teachings and example. Now, when I say "path" in regard to the punk rock community I talk of something completely different, and yet was the primer for the two other previous examples. What I speak of here, is the "path" of rebellion and questioning. Here I believe we fall more into the emphasis of this blog.
From as early as I can remember, "something" was wrong. Of course, at such a young age, I wasn't quite able to put my finger on it, but I inherantly knew something was wrong. My father was angry, my mother was sad, people were afraid and I was confused. I saw the world as a great open space with millions of amazing experiences to be had. If you just open your eyes and reached out your hand, I was sure you could touch the stars. And yet I saw so much turmoil all around me. Outer turmoil was the manifestation of inner turmoil, this I mystically knew somehow. Why was everyone suffering so much, when there is so much joy to be shared?
Then that turmoil affected me. I learned fear, doubt and insecurity. Uncomfortable and down right painful, little did I know, I would be affected by them for the rest of this incarnation. So I struck out to test that.
I decided that I was going to grab on to everything that wasn't nailed down, and really milk this world for all the fun and happiness it was worth, regardless of what stood in my way. It was around the same time, that I learned about rules and codes of conduct. What may mean fun and happiness for me may mean discomfort, loss or threat to others. It was pointed out to me that my actions were sometimes responsible for the turmoil, in others, I had first experienced so many years prior. I don't want to be the thorn in anyones side, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be the thorn in mine. Being "good" was all fine and dandy, but it led to a rather meak and sometimes "ignorant" existence. If I am not supposed to cross that line, how am I to experience what lies on the other side? So my pursuits became more secretive and situational. I had to see what there was to see in this world, ... while no one was looking.
Through this I got into some discourageable behaviors at a young age, ranging from pornography, smoking, stealing, vandalism, drinking, lying. While these new experiences were exciting, they also led to feelings of fear, shame, guilt, and eventually paranoia. I was afraid someone was going to see me doing something, unsure if my behavior was allowed or not, for reprimand only came after being caught for something that I was supposed to know was "wrong".
Fast forward a little, I was now a drug addicted teenager, homeless, wanted for parole violation, and yet I was in love with life once again. I saw an open road ahead of me and open doors on all sides and as long as I kept going I was going to experience everything there was to experience. I was in love with sex, drugs and punk rock.
Punk rock, the soundtrack that fueled my animalistic need to live, not knowing I was also trying to escape the pain of the life I was leading. Operation Ivy said'...as one stand together, Unity, evolutions gonna come". The only people who were willing to unite with me, on any level, were, as coined by GG Allin, "Freaks, Faggots, Junkies and Drunks", so with my new roster of allies, I could go forth with my head held high. I cared nothing for your rules. You wanted me to stop living every moment as if it were to last, and to go "home" where it was pain, suffering and turmoil. The best thing of all, I was no longer afraid. I no longer feared your guilt. I no longer fell for the delusion of "right" and "wrong".
I saw a world, outside of my own, that consisted of war, poverty, blind obedience to laws I don't understand, a thirst for money stronger than a dying mans last wish, a general disregard for the "different", "needy", "challenged" individuals, who, when I looked, only wanted a friend; someone who cares. I saw a market of MTV and Calvin Klien rendering people helpless to their never ending demand for fashion and trend, knowing the only reason the general public fell victim to such atrocities was to see themselves as pretty as the mdels they manufactured for just that pupose; to somehow validate their entire existence.
What really bothered me was an open disdain for spirituality, religion, philosophy and culture. The hippies of the 60's opened the doors, to question the values of the 50's, but the 70's started condemning them. Paired with the conflicts popping up all over Europe, Asia and South America, other cultures were shown the door for the rising of American superiority. This was beamed into my eyes, like a neon sign in a dark alley, on a daily basis, and I wanted to see no more. So I set out to create my own world and my own culture.
I did so, leading me through a life of drug addiction, jails, homelessness, frieght trains, living under bridges, failed marriage, halfway houses, forgotten names, disposed chances, broken hearts and a chip on my shoulder. 3 years ago, I decided I have had enough and I got sober. Went through a halfway house for what is hopefully the last time. I started dilligently working the 12 Steps and long story short I am at the beginning of a spiritual path, leading eventually to some sort of awakening. Today I look forward to do for others. I find myself, having experienced all that I have, capable of looking for the unseen unifying force that ties all living things together. Some call it the Dharma, some the Tao, some the Holy Spirit. I felt what it's like to be human and what it is like to give into, what I believe to be, innate human condition of compassion, empathy, loving-kindness and a real desire to share of this existence with as many people as I can mentally handle. My rebellion is the same as it has always been and sometimes I feel if I were given another chance, I wouldn't change anything. With my experiences, nevermind how painful and at often times almost unbareable, I find that I am a warmer, kinder, more sympathetic human being. Granted I still have a tendency to slide into that drunken, junkie street thug role, I am still a human vulnerable to the same human condition as the rest, but today, I have a reason to care.
I am a different man than I was 10, 5, 3 years ago, even 3 months ago. My capabliltiy for empathy grows as my tendency towards apathy diminishes. I see the impermanence the Buddha taught about, as proven fact, just in my own mental process. We are forever changing and forever suffering. ALL OF US. So what do we do?
Share not our past joys and triumphs, but share of our past failures, humiliations, trials and pains. Somehow, then, most times, a human bond can be built, and two heal better than one. Share of yourself; bleed so to speak. Your pain is your fortune, give generously.